Life with a Puppy

Everyone loves puppies.  So it will come as no surprise when I tell you I'm am nuts about our new puppy, a long-haired miniature dachshund.  But I never knew that a dog can chew on a floor!  Yes, it can be done.

Nor did I expect him to reduce me to stomping desperately around the kitchen looking for urine puddles and saying things through clenched teeth like "why is your penis wet?"  Nor did I anticipate his believing that my big blue exercise ball is a terrifying foe.

Puppy-raising theory has changed since my long-ago childhood.  Nowadays, you're told not to rub puppies' noses in their doo-doo nor whack them with a newspaper.  You're told not to give them table scraps.  You're supposed to brush their teeth regularly with doggy toothpaste that smells like fish, and engage in something called "anal expression."  (Icky-poo.)  And, according to our puppy manual, it's best to "have a special sound that only means 'no' for the puppy, so instead of raising your voice and saying 'no,' try using 'Erhhh' instead.  Use a guttural, half bark half growl sound when saying 'Erhhh.'" I've tired it several times, but it just makes me sound like a pirate.  I guess the idea is to make me seem like the alpha dog.  Or part of the pack-leading alpha COUPLE.   The book says that leading wolf couple, a male and female wolf -- though surely there are gay wolf couples out there -- leads the pack, and implies that my husband and I should assume the role of pack-leading couple in our puppy's mind.  So we are Mr. and Mrs. Wolf now, I guess, at least on a good day.

Names today:  Bucky Godbolt, Blossom Fight, Octavius Frothingham